A roast is an event in which an individual is subject to publicly bearing comedic insults, praise, outlandish true and untrue stories, racial stereotypes and heartwarming tributes. The implication being that the roastee is able to take the jokes in good faith and as not being serious criticism or insult, and therefore showing their good nature. It is seen as a great honor to be roasted, as the individual is surrounded by friends, fans, and well-wishers, who can receive some of the same treatment as well during the course of the evening.

Our guest of honor, and roastee, is my husband Ronald Floyd Garrison.

Ronald’s most dear friends and family have been waiting to take their best shots at Ron for 40 years now and here is their chance. It was once said that the friends and family that love you are the ones that are most willing to make fun of you to your face. 

Let the Roast begin!

Dani then went on to read my obituary:

Ronald Floyd Garrison, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle due to a computer virus.  True to Ron’s personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and child...

During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due to his limited attention span. He had a life long love affair with food, big busted women, cigarettes and Gigabytes. You always knew what Ron was thinking much to the dismay of his friend and family. His wife said of Ron, "he was often wrong, but never in doubt".

No funeral or service is planned. However, a party will be held to celebrate.

I started out by thanking everyone and explaining that I will be paying each person back and they would not know when it was coming but revenge is a dish best served cold :-)

• To my lovely wife who put all this together, I made remarks about her family warned me not to marry her but love was blind, deaf and stupid.  And they never warned me that though she knew how to cook, she didn't know how to clean, vacuum, do dishes or laundry.  She was great and using my pool table as a place to put all the laundry from the dryer and some other remarks here and there.
• To my Aunt Bonnie who was old and senile and who should be careful due to the amount of times she breaks her computers and needs me to fix them.
• To my mother, I reminded her of the time when I was playing nicely with my brother and made him cry and she hit me other the head with the toy I had been hitting him over the head with and well hers put 5 small holes in my head which I spent time in the Emergency room and talking to social services for :-)
• To my wife's best friend, who I reminded that if I was so bad then why was she having dreams about me.  It seems a few months ago she had a dream that her and her husband split up and me and Dani split and so me and Sarah started dating.  I guess when she told Dani about it she was a little hot and bothered by it.  Those who live in glass houses...

I am sure I said other things but it was all in fun and we had a great time.  You only roast the ones you love, however I am making a mental note to be out of the country for my 50th birthday.

Funny one liners….

• Ron’s birthday cake this year looks like a prairie fire.

• Ron once met the surgeon general - he offered Ron a cigarette.

• Ron is at the age where he wants two girls. When he falls asleep they will have someone to talk to.

• Ron has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.

• Ron has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

Now that you’ve been properly roasted it’s time for a toast….

I wanted to have the final say…as always…

I’m sure some of the things you heard today have not been exactly easy to hear, however each and every one of us came here out of love. 

Hitting a certain age can cause one to stop and take pause; age 40 has always been a pivotal time for people in terms of relationships, careers, goals and dreams.

You’ve been blessed with a divorce, and are now happily married with the son you’ve always wanted. 

In just a few weeks we will be celebrating our fourth wedding anniversary and I can’t believe how fast time is flying.  I hope this was a day you will never forget.  Happy Birthday my love….

And with that a toast:

To you on your birthday, glass held high,